Yoga in Action: Your Inner Light of Awareness

Over the course of my recent study, I keep coming across a "buzz-phrase" that really pleases me.
It is: your inner light of awareness. It refers to the you who you really are. At your core. Not your job or your life experience or how anyone else perceives you. It is simply and basically you. The you who you are now and have always been. Not who you strive to be, or who you have been.
It's beautiful, right? Your inner light of awareness.

like this, but on the inside!

Another way of thinking about this is as your dharma. My main sanskrit guy Nicholai Bachman defines dharma as "the underlying substance that does not fundamentally change but simply appears differently over time." (The Yoga Sutras Workbook, pg 56) In Indian culture, dharma is like the law or the fundamentals of the way things are. If you think of this in terms of yourself, your dharma is the fundamental structure of you that does not change.
I was pretty caught up in trying to understand dharma for awhile, because I was confusing it with dharmic purpose. This is a concept that my father hammered into our brains all throughout our childhoods/college/continuing today. Your dharmic purpose is the thing that you were put on this earth to do. The thing that you can provide to humankind that no one else can. Your dharma is more like your essence. It's what makes you, well, you!
For a couple of years recently, I was desperate to figure out what it was that I was put here to do. I thought it was something that if I meditated on it and thought about enough, that it would come to me in a big shocking epiphany! I discussed it with my teachers, my friends and my partner. I thought about it in the car and on the cushion. I need answers, damnit!

I've given up the quest for a solid answer to the "what is my dharmic purpose" question. It's not that I don't want to know. I really really want to know. I still think about it a lot. It's just that I don't really think I need to know now.  If I really needed to know now, wouldn't I know?

Over time, I have been able to loosen the hold that it has on me. Letting go of the thinking that "if I can just discover my dharmic purpose, then everything will fall into place!" My focus now is cultivating santosha (contentment) with what currently is. Santosha with my very own inner light of awareness. To be content is something we could all strive for a little more. To be content with who we are, at our very essence.

Can you connect with your inner light of awareness? 

Finding Contentment in the Chaos

India can be an extremely frustrating place. It's hot. It's really chaotic. Indians swarm you to offer you rides in
their rickshaw, necklaces, directional advice, etc. It's loud as can be--horns, music, traffic. It's dirty.

Last year, everything about being in India was novel for me. I drank it all in. I enjoyed every experience, even those that were loud, chaotic and dirty. I was just so happy to be here that I even found joy in the painful and frustrating times. This year, things feel different. I feel annoyed by Indians and chaos. I can't help it. I don't want to be annoyed. I want to live in the present and appreciate the fact that I'm in INDIA for crying out loud!! But something keeps rising up in me. And it doesn't feel like joy. It feels like suffering.

It feels a lot like when I was a teenager. I don't know what you were like when you were teen-aged, but I was angry. All the time. Anything and everything could upset me. And did. And not only was I angry, I was anxious to be out of whatever situation I was currently in. I believe I could characterize it as a constant state of non-contentment. Unless something was a completely novel situation, I was instantly bored and looking to move on.

This approach to life has (luckily) abated with time. I think part of it is maturing and recognizing that not every situation has to be completely enriching and fabulous. And (I would like to think) that most of my new life approach is due to my work on the mat/cushion. I've slowed down. I've learned to appreciate small details and things that we generally perceive as "mundane." 

So much sweetness in the simplicity

I think a lot of this appreciation has developed out of my asana practice. Coming to the mat daily and doing the same poses hundreds and then thousands of times can really put into perspective one's ability to find something new in a repeat situation. And no matter how many times I do trikonasana, I can still find some new sensation and some amount of joy to just "be in it." This is how I should approach every repeat situation. What about this can I find to appreciate? Even if my brain/body is telling me not to feel content?

So, this second trip to India has been one of lesson learning for me. It's fascinating to watch myself move through this incredible country for a second time. To see my reaction to India when it's no longer novel for me. It's amusing to be present with my anger, however silly it seems. It's great for me to have the insight to even realize that I'm experiencing non-contentment and then see what I can do about it.

There is nothing like taking yourself out of your comfort zone to put your work to the test. Looks like I better keep on getting back on the mat/cushion upon my return.

Letting Go in India

Disclaimer: This blog post is confessional in nature. 

You have to pretty open-minded when you're in India. There is a certain "go with the flow-ness" required if you are planning to have an enjoyable time. Goodbye personal space--hello several Indians pressed into places generally reserved for lovers. Oh, you don't like pooping in a hole without toilet paper? Or you're not into starving dogs following you around or trash everywhere? Wait, you don't like acrid smells accosting you at each turn? Now would be a good time to work on letting some things go, for instance: clinging to your cultural notions of cleanliness and personal space, desiring to be comfortable at all times, expectations about your experience, etc. the sooner you can detach from those types of clinging, the sooner you can begin to enjoy yourself.

Luckily I feel pretty capable of this sort of short term "letting go." I think I'm able to see India for what it is even if it makes me momentarily uncomfortable. It's so different from how my life is usually that it's somehow simple not to sweat the small stuff while I'm here.

But I had to come all the way to India to see what I haven't been so capable of letting go in the long term. To see some of my own personal painful clinging patterns took a complete change of normalcy. 

When people first start practicing yoga, one of the hardest things to release or let go of are our previous patterns of holding tension and our patterns of breathing. Just telling someone that they are tense or should breathe to release tension isn't going to automatically make it so. It takes a realization of the disruptive patterns before you begin to release them. The same is true for many of our life patterns. 
Whether or not we realize it, we continuously cling to our ways of doing things and notions of how we think things are/ ought to be. 

When I got to India, I met up with my dear pal Veronika a few days before our training so that we could catch up after a year of not seeing one another. We talk about everything at great length. She's a great listener and we can talk about a single subject for hours. Or maybe days.

So. You guys. 

I found myself quite regularly coming back to two subjects. At first a little too regularly. And then slightly desperately. And then. Geez, I could actually hear myself whining.

It took me thousands of miles and seven months to realize that I am not letting go of my past relationship. Or rather, I am not letting go of the plans that I had for the two of us--a family, a home, a life together. What can I say? The end of it was a pretty huge blow and I had thought we were going to be together forever. And  I made plans according to my expectations. But we aren't together, which makes these plans obsolete. And it's time to let it go. Existing in a state of dukkha (suffering) because 
I'm unwilling to resist clinging to what could have been is no longer useful. 

Additionally, I have realized that it isn't too useful for me to cling to the job/lifestyle/achievements that I wish I had. It's okay to dream of course and important to have goals. But it isn't okay to grasp for and cling to those things if you don't have them. It just isn't. You have to let them go and appreciate what you do have. Sometimes you have to let these things go while you're in India. Find your breath. Be love and peace. And let go.

Antarayas: Obstacles to Practice

I think that a good first post for the new year is one in which I explain some reasons that it can be so hard to practice. Despite all your good intentions of making it to the mat everyday, meditating 3 times a week or just trying to be more present as you go through life, there are some legitimate hurdles which can stand in your way.
In the Yoga Sutras Patanjali (the codifier of the sutras) outlines nine antaraya(s)  (obstacles) to regular practice. (sutra 1.30) These are basically ideas your mind comes up with to avoid practice. The mind likes its current state--as it can direct you and your actions with its incessant thoughts. Why would the mind want you to practice regularly and thus gain some control over its behavior? It wouldn't. So here's what it comes up with:

The 9 Antaraya(s)

1. Vyadhi (disease or illness)

In most cases, this is a legitimate reason not to practice. Practice can be physically painful or mentally difficult if you have some illness or incessant pain. If this is your current barrier to practice, go back to bed and vow to return to regularity when your health has improved. 

2. Styana (apathy, dullness)

This obstacle may arise if you begin to have doubts about your progress, don't see immediate benefits from practicing or momentarily don't care about the positivity which practice can provide. Styana is a mental state, but can also be present physically if you are feeling heavy and dull. In order to overcome this obstacle, you can do a small scan of the benefit of practicing, to remind yourself of why you do it, or you can get up and practice asana to increase your tapas. Tapas (fire) will increase with each practice and encourage you to continue to do so.

3. Samsaya (self-doubt, lack of confidence)

This state of being can happen to the best of us, though some are better at overcoming it than others. A state of doubt about your ability, being, or place in the world can cause this antaraya to flare up. One way to overcome it could be to make a list of the things you are good at or the ways in which you personally improve the world. Another possibility could be to do a metta meditation in which you offer deep compassion to yourself. Here is a metta meditation which I recommend: Metta

4. Pramada (unclear thinking, intoxication)

This type of mind-state can occur literally from being intoxicated, or possibly by being intoxicated with a very strong emotion, such as fear or anger. When you are in this frame of mind, it can be incredibly difficult to step back and assess the situation to act appropriately. One possible way to overcome it is to make sure that each time a state of unclear thinking pops up for you, you step back and take 5 deep breaths before reacting. Simple and possibly very effective. 

5. Alasya (fatigue, feeling tired)

Happens to the best of us. If it's a persistent feeling, you may consider your sleeping and eating habits and whether or not they are conducive to healthy living. I for one used to be consistently tired until I cut meat out of my diet. Not that it's the answer for everyone, but happened to work well for me. If you want to practice, but can't seem to muster up the energy, you may consider a yoga nidra (yogic sleep) which is a practice of deep deep relaxation. If this appeals to you, find a recorded copy so that you can be completely focused on your practice. 

6. Avirati (sensory preoccupations)

This whirls of the mind are often sensory or sexually focused. These thoughts can be difficult to overcome once they arise. The best you can do is to try and bring your mind back to your task at hand. Reward yourself for any progress made.

7. Bhranti-darsana (erroneous seeing)

This type of obstacle is present when you think that there is only one way of viewing the world, which just so happens to be your way. Or thinking that you are always right or the way that you do things is the penultimate way to do them. It's difficult to accept that other approaches can be equally effective. This type of thinking is present in fundamentalist religions, certain school systems and in political thought. One way to overcome this obstacle could be to practice seeing another point of view. Each time a situation occurs in which you feel uncomfortable or offended by someone else's actions, take a moment to try and view it from their perspective. Assess the possibilities for why they acted the way that they did. This isn't fool-proof and may sometimes be mysterious to you, but by and large this is a very powerful practice to accepting the inter-connectedness of humanity. 

8. Alabdhabhumikatva (not being grounded)

In order to progress healthily and sensibly, you must establish a solid foundation of understanding at each level before moving on. In this obstacle, you are attempting to understand or practice something for which you are not ready. It can be very tempting to try advanced level practices of asana, pranayama or meditation, but in some cases can be dangerous. It might be at too high of a level for you to grasp or incomprehensible due to a lack of pertinent knowledge. To overcome this antaraya, make sure that your practices are appropriate and grounded before moving on. 

9. Anavasthitatva (instability)

This state is related to the previous one. This barrier to practice occurs when you do progress to the next level, but are unable to maintain it as a practice and fall back to the previous level. To overcome this obstacle, you must practice patience and perseverance. It is also helpful to think that this happens to everyone practicing and that all of those individuals picked up the pieces and continued on.

So, I hope this post was somewhat enlightening on how difficult it can be to maintain a regular practice and also offered some common sense practices for continuing. I must say that this post was largely inspired by the work of Nicholai Bachman and his translation of the Yoga Sutras. Without this, I never would have been so insightful on the antarayas. 

Ganesha 

Lastly, I want to say that Ganesh the Hindu god is the "remover of obstacles". One general way to overcome any troubles in life is to chant a mantra to Ganesh. My favorite is 

om gam ganapataye namaha

Om on! Happy practice in 2013.

Bhakti Yoga

Some of you may have read a post I wrote last year in which I describe various types of yoga. 

If you missed it, you can read it here. If you just want the gist of it, I outline several yogic paths all of which have the same goal: that of creating a practice which aims to achieve enlightenment through yoga. One of those paths is the yoga of devotion or bhakti yoga. 

Bhakti yogis might not ever do an asana in their entire lives. Theirs is the yoga of worship. They pray, they chant, they devote all that they do to their higher power. In the Bhagavad Gita, chapter 12 outlines the practice of bhakti yoga. It begins with a question posed by Arjuna to Krishna who says,

"One man loves you with pure devotion; another man loves the Unmanifest. Which of these two understands yoga more deeply?"

To which Krishna replies,

"Those who love and revere me with unwavering faith, always centering their minds on me--they are the most perfect in yoga." (Stephen Mitchell translation, page 144)

One form of bhakti yoga which has become popularized among Western yogis is kirtan. Kirtan is actually an Indian song-form in which there is a leader or a caller and a group of responders. In other words, it's call and response style chanting. Typically, the chants are chants to gurus (teachers), deities, or they are mantras. The chants themselves are highly repetitive and can last for just a few minutes or for hours. They are accompanied by instruments like harmonium or tablas, or are sometimes a capella. My favorite bhakti yogi is Bhagavan Das and he plays an ektara which is a single-stringed plucked instrument.

This practice can be so sweet and devotional. Essentially, you give yourself over to the chant or to the music. You don't have to think about what to do or what to say since the chants say the same thing over and over. You can just feel the music and be surrounded by the vibratory quality and do the damn thing.

This past Friday night, my little sangha (community) held a kirtan. I have dabbled in kirtans in my day and chant devotionally in my own practice, but this time, I had the opportunity to lead some chants. It was incredibly inspirational and deeply moving to feel so connected both musically and spiritually. 

I recorded myself singing a chant. Here is a clip of me on the harmonium in my bedroom. High quality, you can imagine.

The words are "cit ananda rupa, shivo ham, shivo ham"

A devotional chant to Shiva. In Shiva, I am bliss.

Yoga in Action: Giving Thanks

Here comes the trite holiday post.

Actually, I quite like holidays. You get to eat as much as you want. Drink as much as you want. Hang out with your family (luckily, mine happens to be awesome, though I know that's not always the case), play cards, have awkward conversations and probably go see a really good movie.

What I don't like about holidays is that they try to force you to feel something. Now, I can easily border on the cynical side of things when it comes to "crap that is mass-marketed to the American people." I don't like that we have a day to tell someone how much we love them, or a day to be really nice to our mom, or even a day to celebrate our freedom. Shouldn't we be doing those things every day?

I think it's easy to get caught up in middle-class white kid problems. At least for me, as a middle-class white kid. We are easily led to feel that the world is crashing down around us if we have to wait in line for 10 minutes, get into a minor car accident, don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend, our computer crashes, etc. With little regard for the way a lot of people live (in poverty, in slums, hungry, oppressed) we can get completely caught up in our overly dramatic tales of woe.

Through a regular practice of yoga, we can begin to develop an appreciation for life and the things that we take for granted. I talked about this a lot in my last post. You can read it here: Everyday Yoga

In my opinion, we should be thankful for our blessings every single day of the year. One way to put this into action is to list 5 things that you're grateful for as you are falling asleep. It's pretty easy. They don't have to be profound. They don't even have to be big things.

Here's 5 off the top of my head: running water, organic vegetables, family, 3-legged cats, Austin, TX.

3 legged cat!

And as I think of the things on my list for which I am grateful, I try to feel, just for a moment, how I connect with those things in my day-to-day life. And maybe how my life would be different without them. A teeny tiny practice which can bring you back to the bounty of life.

Everyday Yoga

You know when you go to class and your teacher says things like, "yoga is a way of life" or "your practice does not end after class" etc.? Here are some of my ideas about that.

The practice of yoga asana is totally like a gateway drug. You get hooked on the performance of physical postures, the deep expansion/contraction of the breath you feel in class, and the incredible sense of clarity and serenity that you feel when you're done. Right?
So you keep going back. And you get stronger and more flexible and your body feels better, which frees up some space for your mind to feel better. And pretty soon all you can think about is yoga poses and how to "improve your yoga game" and maybe even entertain the idea of doing a teacher training, cause it feels so good.

This is a beautiful process--one that I myself went through many years ago, and continue to go through each time I go to class.
But here is the best part.

Yoga does start to extend past class. It starts to work it's way into your daily life. Maybe you begin to feel compelled to spend more time quietly. Or to go outside and romp around more often.

Wild rosemary in the sun. Looking good.

You might start to notice life more intensely. Small surprises like a flower blooming or the sight of a colorful bird may bring you joy. Laughing and talking with loved ones suddenly feels precious in a way that it never had before. You may even take less things for granted; you may even begin to appreciate all of your opportunities and gifts in a new way.

Maybe over time you become a little less interested in yoga asana. Perhaps time you once devoted to handstand and lotus becomes time you devote to sitting quietly and following the breath. Maybe a walk in the woods or along the beach is your new yoga practice. Possibly you practice by mindfully preparing a meal, listening to your favorite music, or riding your bicycle.

Or maybe you aren't there yet and the joy of working through postures and going to class is still one of progress for you. And so you continue.

And perhaps over time you begin to notice a different kind of practice emerging and unfolding. And if it does, your new challenge is to embrace the present moment of your life.



***It somehow didn't occur to me until several hours later, but I must have subconsciously taken this title from Charlotte Joko Beck's book "Everyday Zen." Just want to give props where props are due.